Tales of the Parodyverse

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Baby Elephant, Queen of the Universe
Wed Mar 21, 2007 at 12:02:11 pm EDT
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The Vermin Patrol, Book One, Chapter One
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        The Vermin Patrol, Book 1: No One Knows The Trouble I’ve Been…

Starring the Vermin Patrol: Hamtan, leader
                 Gamma Ray Gary
                 Anony-Mouse
                 Spaz the Chupacabra
                 Twitchy, the Amazing Bunny
                 Veasel (w/unknown cohort Fleabert)

Co-starring various villains: Baroness Elizabeth Zebra
                 Sally Snake (henchperson)                

Special guest stars: The Hooded Hood
             Dr. Moo
             Deathwing (a baby Friendly Dragon)

Not any sort of star at all: The Evil Baby Elephant and whatever entourage she scrapes up, if any.

                 The Initial Setting:
Shortly after Baby Elephant got her chubby little butt handed to her by the Sucker Leeched crime fighters Dorilla and the Meteor Team in the Caves of Echoey Doom on Death Island but before the posting of her “autobiography.”


             Chapter One: I Hate Everybody

“I am so, like, gonna bite that Hoo-doo Hoops’ toes,” mumbled the Evil Baby Elephant to herself, as she sat waiting in the Death Island Justice Center for her parole officer to finish preparing for her daily visit.

“Next!” shouted the miniature felon’s current P.O. through his government-issued gas mask.
Skipping into the office, BE sang out, “Here’s I am, all nice and clean, Mr. Pawn of da Fascist System’s Corporate Masters! How is you today?”

“Heh-heh-heh, funny you should mention that, peewee, but, as it happens, I’m feeling great.” The parole officer’s face took on an ecstatic glow quite unrelated to the odor-shielding integrity of the mask.

“Um, is dat so…” Baby Elephant’s tiny half-brain became a whirl of activity, her lone synapse firing randomly, like a pea trapped in a hurricane bottle.

“Yesssss… ‘dat’s so,” the man responded with a cruel gleam in his now watery eyes. “Allow me to introduce you to your new parole officers,” he continued gleefully, “This is the Vermin Patrol!”

To the amazement of Baby Elephant’s beady little eyes, a mixed bag of six super powered animals shuffled in from the hallway. While competent looking, they all bore identical expressions of boredom skillfully combined with stark terror, each one bearing a striking resemblance to a trapped coyote right before it starts chewing off its leg.

“Gentlemen,” crooned the former P.O., “I’d like to introduce you to a recently released prisoner who has paid the price for her crimes, is sincerely attempting to make good, and has much of value to offer society in general. But I can’t, because one is not available right now. Instead, please meet your new charge, the unrepentant and thoroughly useless Baby Elephant.”

The newcomers paused a beat. Then the full horror sunk in.

“This can’t be right,” calmly stated the animal closest to “ground zero,” a pig in a hardhat, Hamtan, the obvious leader of the group.

“I want to go home now,” stuttered a common ground weasel named Veasel from somewhere behind the heroic hog, apparently addressing his own left ear, which seemed to diss him back.

“There, there,” whispered a brave-hearted bunny who then patted Veasel on the shoulder and caused him to chitter insanely, “It’ll be alright. I mean, how bad can babysitting one tiny little elephant be?”

             One Hour Before

“You gotta be kidding,” snarled Anony-Mouse, a small but oddly intimidating rodent.

“I’m afraid I’m not,” replied the Chaircreature of the Death Island Council, quailing before a smallish horrible creature that smelled like frightened goats. “It says right here in Death Island Ordinance 666.666 that all new heroes and/or heroic teams, including vigilantes and barely sympathetic anti-heroes with tragic pasts, must serve their first six months as parole officers for local super villains. When they have successfully supervised their “client” for that term, then and only then may they receive their super-hero licenses for this Death Island. The good news is that our jurisdiction includes Atomic Bomb Atoll and other nearby islands yet uncharted and just plain creepy, so you don’t need a separate license for them.”

    “I don’t believe this,” said a pig wearing a bowler hat. “The Meteor Team and The Friendly Dragons never had to go through any such farce when they moved in.”

“That’s because the Friendly Dragons are huge, fire breathing monsters who would eat us if we turned them down. Oh, and as long-term residents and business creatures, the Meteor Team and Dorilla got “grandfathered” in.

“Hmmmm,” commented a huge Nordic horse waving a shiny horseshoe. “Methinks that yon Spaz the Goatsucker is more than prepared to devour any who would attempt to stop the Odinsteed and his brothers in arms from entering this island paradise as the righteous heroes they be.”

“Oh no, we can’t do that, Gamma Ray Gary,” bravely announced Twitchy, a cleverly costumed rabbit. “We have to follow the rules, guys. That’s what heroes do, right? Raise paws and/or hooves all who agree…”

Six extremities reluctantly went up. One more elevated itself not so reluctantly.

“Put that away, Spaz,” hissed a chittering weasel, “You’re going to give them the wrong idea about us!”

***********************************************

Um, does anyone really want more of this stuff? I don’t have to continue it if it’s not the Board’s cup of tea. I mean it; I won’t be offended, ‘ok?


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